/Locked

Dear Diary,

Sorry you're all ripped, I didn't feel it was quite right taking someone's journal and leaving their pages, I did read them, maybe that was wrong, I wanted to know a bit about the person. She was successful, 25 and on her way to go home to get married.

At the bonfire I prayed for her, not something I've done much in my life, not since before the fire. I always thought God gave us what we needed to do what we needed to do, everything else was up to us. I don't think he meant it the way I interpreted it. It was my mother, then to find out ..., there's only so much a person can put up with, right?

I made my bed, I have to lie in it, but I'm not going to jail. Guess I'll end up in hell, choices create consequences and I've made mine.

We haven't been here many days, but the longer I'm here the more I know about this place. The guy on the beach, I know him. As Sawyer read his driver's license aloud, I knew his first name, Jack. I know he's important to all of this.

Sawyer and Juliet, I know them too. Why I have this weird feeling about the blond girl, I don't know, what it is about her, I trust her but I get that I haven't always.

Sawyer called me freckles the other day, felt like he'd done it before.

This feels like some huge chess game and we are all pawns, as they play at will.

How do I separate some of these people and let them know what I think. Will they think I'm crazy?

The Marshall's body is missing, as is Rose's husband. Eventually, we're going to elect a leader. Something says it should be Jack. Neither Juliet nor I want it, but that's what's happening.

The natives are restless, I should go see what's happening. Will right again. When I can.

Kate

Things seemed to be going as well as possible; Kate and Juliet had gotten into a bit of a routine, walking through and around the carnage. Kate went around to everyone, in an attempt to calm the growing fear on the survivors’ faces.

It felt odd that she was in a leadership role; it was familiar, yet off. She wasn’t the leader, wasn’t meant to be.

Deciding to explore, she began walking into the jungle. A huge wave of déjà vu hit her as she walked over the familiar territory. All the hairs on her arm stood on end, tiny chill bumps covered her slender body. She’d been here before. Gulping, she turned almost running back to the beach.

“There are caves,” she began to the group assembling before her, I think we should check them out.

One minute Kate Austen was on the plane, hands in cuffs, brain racing attempting to figure her way out of this situation. Always resourceful, this seemed hopeless; no thing she knew things were never hopeless unless you were dead.

In an instant, they were in a war zone, bags fell from the overhead bins; passengers thrown forward, some into the isles, unfastened seat belts dangling like an octopus swimming through the water. Jolted to the side, the baggage fell from above her hitting the officer, Edward Mars, knocking him out.

Grabbing the oxygen masks she put on one and then one on her arresting officer. Scrambling, she managed to get the keys out of his pocket, unlocking her cuffs, right before the plane crashed.

Body parts, baggage and plane parts scattered across the island for miles; then everything went black.

The sickening smell of gasoline filled her nostrils; causing her to gag and subsequently cough. She was unhurt, yet a bit bruised.

Aching, she stood trying to remember what happened. She didn’t remember getting on a plane; in fact there was a major gap in her memory. The last thing she remembered was talking to her mother in the kitchen, arguing was more like it, begging her mother to leave the son-of-a bitch.

Shaking her head, as if to clear it, dark curls dancing around her face, she started pulling people away from the plane; she felt odd.

A few steps away, lay a handsome man, obviously a business man from the way he was dressed. The only sign of life was his chest moving back and forth. There weren’t any outward signs that he was hurt so she started tugging on his arms slowly dragging him up the beach. He seemed so familiar to her; maybe they were traveling together.

Pulling him (Jack), she looked around at the faces. Some were faces she swore she knew, with others weren’t as familiar. Kate decided she was suffering from short-term amnesia.

“Is there a doctor,” she yelled, assessing the situation, it wasn’t good.

Her mind was clicking with all the things they should do. Help would be on the way, there was a black box aboard every plane. The thought made her feel better, not just because of a rescue, but because her memory wasn’t totally gone.

Jack dropped by her desk, asking her to go out to dinner, also instructing her to take some time so they could have a ‘proper’ night out, as he put it. A frown crossed her pretty face, but she didn’t question it. She usually stayed and read when he was late with a surgery. There was something about their being together.

Once home she went up to their bedroom only to find a rose, an incredible dress, and a set of instructions.

Kate took her time getting ready, took the rose, and then walked out the door.

A shiny black limo was waiting; Kate climbed in thinking how romantic and uncharacteristic this was. It was long until they arrived at their destination. It was beautiful, like a fairytale. Kate hadn’t been working that hard, she made a mental note never to complain again.

There he was standing, arms crossed in front of him, the makings of a candlelit dinner behind him.

Jack worked long days, weekends and odd hours repaying his co-workers for the time he’d spent with her when she was sick. He was close to ending that debt if he hadn’t already. Juliet’s problem seemed to be the main focus of his attention. Kate would remind herself how dedicated he was to his profession. Every once and awhile doubt flirted with her, making her wonder now and then if he hid behind his responsibilities so he wouldn’t have to come home to her.

Guilt enveloped Kate like a funeral shroud. Guilt over Wayne, over Tom … her list went on and on; deep sensitive, even if she didn’t show it, was as much a part of her as any organ in her body. Sawyer used her, she knew it; she used Sawyer. But that was in the beginning. Kate couldn’t sleep with someone and not have some feeling. Jack told her in words he’d loved her, twice. Sawyer told her in his actions. He still was in love with her, even if that affection was changing. Somewhere down inside she knew if she asked him, he would be with her. Maybe he felt the same for Juliet, or it could me just a wonderful friendship. It really didn’t matter. She had to make things right with him.

“May we talk?” Kate softly left the words on his voice mail. “I’d like to see you.”

Jack rolled his eyes when she told him her plan, wonderful lips morphing into a frown. She hated this frown it was ambiguous, one she couldn’t read. But then Jack was a master at hiding his emotions, he could keep a non-descript face when he wanted. She wasn’t asking his permission, she told him her intentions. She was going to see what she could do for Juliet. She could tell he was frustrated, doubting himself. Brilliant was one of the adjectives she would use for Jack. If anyone could find a cure, he could do it. Juliet and Jack worked well together, that was obvious. She wasn’t sure why anyone hadn’t thought of it before, but they should see the dying and woman. How do you cure someone from a distance? However the idea of Jack and Juliet alone … Kate rubbed her head, as if she had a migraine.

Kate didn’t know what bothered Jack more, her contacting Juliet, or her talking to Sawyer. This survivor wasn’t sure how she felt about it either, it had to be done. They had to all create an alliance regardless of how shaky.

Phone in hand she called Juliet. “Could you meet me for lunch? Name the place and time, and I’ll be there. It will be just us.” Kate attempted to allay any of Juliet’s fears. Kate’s voice was as light as it could be. Dealing with Juliet was still awkward.

“At least I have amazing pyrotechnics,” Kate teased Jack when referring to her episode in the bathroom as the contents of her stomach emptied into the white cold basin she’d stayed for the bulk of the night. Kate hadn’t handled things smoothly, but then she was expecting a face-to-face with Jack about their relationship. Now she was as sure as she could be without their articulating it, the references of that night made it clear she and Jack were something to each other.

Kate wasn’t sure why the looks Sawyer and Juliet exchanged made her feel…uncomfortable. On the island she had been his confident, and his lover. She didn’t begrudge him happiness, she wanted him happy. If there hadn’t been a Jack, but there was. The green-eyed monster took root in her thoughts, if it weren’t for her, he and Juliet would be together.

Shaking her Carmel mane to clear her head, chasing away the demons the island provided. There was a reason they were all on the island and a reason they were all here. Saayid had become her confident, he was good about looking at things the way they were, not like Kate when she wore the ‘colored glasses’ when she pondered things. The ‘glasses’ tinted things her way. Saayid had a wonderful way of cutting to the chase. She didn’t need his guidance to know to give Jack space, she had. He’d been insistent that she wait for anymore adventures until she was better or he was with her.

He’d agreed with her theory; Kate didn’t know if it was because he wanted to keep her calm, if he really believed it, or if needed proof. After all he was a man of science. They would have a dinner at their place. This was when he protested, she wasn’t sure if it was the fact that Sawyer would set foot over their threshold, or the lack of unpacking and need for cleaning. Over protective, Jack hired a maid; Kate never had a maid before, but it wasn’t long until she ask for help without sounding demanding.

Finally, Kate was healthy. Breathing was still hard and she’d get tired. At night, he’d make her continue to breath in that small plastic contraption, blowing in until all the balls giggled in the air.

Jack was distracted, trying every possible way to find a lead, anything to help Juliet’s sister.

This night he came home earlier, his face wasn’t contorted in the frown lines that recently took up residence on his handsome face. Tonight he seemed different, happier. As he sat on the couch, Kate brought him a beer. Wonderful smells drifted from the kitchen. Moving his arms to his sides, and without permission she sat herself in his lap.
“I missed you today.”

It felt like riding on glass, her hand stroked the leather on Jack’s steering wheel. Driving was something Kate loved; it feed the nomad in her. Her top teeth nervously pulled over her bottom lip. She’d never admit to Jack that she felt a tad dizzy; she’d never tell him that he was right and she should have waited until she was stronger for her first outing, which was in her mind their first real date.

The days since she’d been sick were, for the most part, a fog; days lost, blurred in her memory. Like now she should have stayed at home letting Jack go to his mother’s funeral alone, but she hadn’t. The pneumonia took its toll on her frail body. Catching the flu from one of the nameless faces attending the funeral didn’t help either.

It had been months, under his eagle eye she’d recovered, but just barely. What did she remember? Jack. Scraggly faced, hollow eyes at times, he’d been there. Lids would flutter open, looking for him, and there he’d be, his quirky smile greeting her, at times chastising her, and if memory was correct commanding her to live.

Healthy enough to be on her own, Kate’s confidence wavered as she prepared for dinner. He’d put her in his bedroom, taking guest bedroom. She doubted if he’d used it much when she was first home. Yes it was all blurry, but there were times she would wake up cuddled up to his back, seeking his warmth. If that were true, he’d never said a word.

Kate took extra time preparing, waiting to take his breath away. For so long she’d looked like a gaunt ghost of herself. He wouldn’t tell her to leave, he couldn’t. ‘Hell yes, he could,’ she told herself aloud. Looking to the left, noticing the passenger in the car alongside her staring, she pretended as if she were singing along with the radio. Then it dawned on her, it didn’t matter what anyone thought. ‘Calm down Kate, it will be okay.’ She caught her reflection in the mirror and for the first time in a long while she liked it. Pinching her cheeks, to give her more color and to hide the paleness of her skin, she didn’t want a ‘told you so,’ from Jack.

Cursing under her breath at the car in the spot next to the one she was taking, she maneuvered into the parking spot, taking her time as she made her way into the restaurant. As usual these days, Jack had to work late. This was close enough to the hospital for him to walk, yet had that quaint feel that gave the evening a romantic touch. Or maybe that’s what she wanted to think.

Asking for water, Kate waited for Jack. Pulling a book out-of-her purse, she opened it to the book mark and began to read, long curls spilling around her face.

Kate Austen was happy.

The sound was almost like a sound, one Kate found familiar. Her eyes still closed, heavy with the weight of the drugs, she struggled to open her eyes. Everything was harsh and white, the light hurt her eyes. For a moment she thought she heard Jack calling, but she felt so far away.

She’d been drowning, the water calling her into the delicious temptation to just let it all go. She didn’t remember walking into the water, but she must have. The undertow must have taken her, and Jack was there. He was always there to protect her. For a moment she felt the ocean breeze. She felt the pressure on her chest, his ‘stay with me,’ confused her. Slowly her lids opened, pupils dilated as if she were on drugs. She saw Jack staring at her, relief covering his face, then she was back on the island as sleep swept her away.

Hours passed as Kate drifted in and out of consciousness. She didn’t know that a certain doctor stayed by her side the entire time. His quick actions saved her life. The minutes he gained by being there, were the minutes she needed for survival, she’d never know he almost lost her twice, unless he intended on telling her.

After days, she was past danger. The double pneumonia hit her quickly, it was a rare form. Only Jack noticed the antibiotics weren’t working. Her lungs so full it looked like cancer. Only days later would he find the read on the x-ray, as the correct antibiotics began to work their magic.

“Sad about Dr. Shephard, I heard there was something wrong with his mother. Maybe she’s sick?” Those words, made Kate concentrate as she woke. They were talking about his mother, she thought. The older nurse replied, “He seems like such a nice doctor. He’s really been looking after this one. I had to make him leave just to bath her.”

They continued to speak totally unaware that Kate was awake and listening. “He’s single; I’d love to do him. What a great catch!” The young blonde almost purred when she talked about Jack. This confused Kate making her wonder if they were together, as soon as she had the thought the elder nurse banished it.

“You don’t go getting ideas about that one, have you seen the way he looks at her. Hope she doesn’t love him back.” Wearily Kate looked over at the IV; she’d never seen so many bags attached to the bag as she had. Her first thought was she was going to die. Her bottom lip began to tremble. All of this to die of some fucking disease, she turned her back on the nurses.

“You’re awake,” they chimed in at the same time. “You gave us a scare dearie,” the first nurse began. Before she could finish her comment, the younger girl interrupted.

Body changing to push her breasts forward, lips pouting; this look worked every time, she was going to marry this doctor. “Dr. Shephard,” she cooed, “she’s awake,” the girl gave her best strut as she walked to Jack, pressing her body as close as she dared.

Turning she gave Jack a little smile, her eyes still wet from crying. “I’m glad to see you, Jack.” It was soft and hoarse, she began coughing and could not quit. Jack was on it with a shot into the IV, and a contraption Kate would have to breathe into. The nurses were in the way, Kate gave him a make them go away look, as her coughing subsided. She reached for the water beside her bed, it seemed miles away.

She’d never felt this tired in her entire life.

“Katherine,” the voice rising in accusation like a drill-sergeant commanding the fine hairs on her arm to float in a quiet dance between the worlds of sleep and waking. Kate’s head fell forward, eyes opening lightening quick as if caught like the escaped convict she was. His touch, she felt it attempting to pull her back into her nightmares

Long espresso tresses fall in tandem with the crumpled newspaper, like a lion she shook the swirling curls while apprising her territory but most of all keeping her resolve. Kate ran again; but for the first time in her life she was running to something.

Not true, she was running to someone; he held her heart hostage and she was just damn tired of all it. She’d have him, something told her did, he always would love her, she had to believe that; but this was her heart drumming in her head drowning any protests she might come up with yet again. This was a battle she wasn’t winning, there was no way to win except to sweep Jack off his feet. Not that she could actually sweep him off those huge feet, but if necessary, she could throw him over her back for about five strides.

Like most jungle animals, she was going to use surprise, give him the speech she’d repeated so many times in her head and what … planning well, yeah, she’d come up with a plan after she settled in, right now she needed a walk to clear her head and then food, real food.

She meandered through one street and then another, getting her bearings, allowing the cool breeze to envelope her and for an instant she was content. Up wafted the smell of something, as her stomach growled in complaint. Before she went all ‘caveman’ on Jack, she needed sustenance if she were to carry him that sixth step. With a false sense of security Kate headed toward the smell which was far enough away from the hospital.

A misstep and the paper was on the ground, leaning to pick it up, she felt different; the hairs on her arm now doing the tango of familiar excitement. ‘Get your mind off the man, Kate’, she chastised herself. Suddenly it felt wrong terribly wrong, what the hell was she thinking? Food then running, after all that’s what she does, like her mother nagged, she was born to run.